I AM ENOUGH
“According as his divine power hath given unto us all things that pertain unto life and godliness, through the knowledge of him that hath called us to glory and virtue:” (2 Peter 1:3, KJV)
This leg of my journey has been challenging – restructuring my identity, re-framing my reality, refocusing my energy. I have been struggling with the “marketing” of the book and strongholds of inferiority and insecurity kept rearing their ugly heads. I have been raising the banner of praise and wielding the sword of the Word of the Lord a lot as I go into battle.
I’ve noticed a process with all my “projects” that the Lord brings my way – even those in the “natural” (i.e. job-related, but I know He is sovereign so there was purpose in all of them). In the last 20-30 years, my jobs have largely required that I create something from nothing, in other words, develop new programs, find solutions to problems, etc. My first reaction at the enormity is resistance and confusion, wanting to retreat or find a diversion. But God…(thank you, Father, for your grace and long-suffering, your faithfulness to Your purposes in my life)…has His way.
My “marketing” efforts came to a screeching halt when my mother died last summer. Truly, nearly a six month hiatus. Oh, bits and pieces of energy surged at times (mostly guilt related because of my strong work ethic and sense of responsibility), so I went through the motions, but my heart wasn’t in it. In fact, I was angry at God for taking her! We had finally gotten to a place in our relationship where I felt understood and valued by her and I understood and valued her more than ever. I am thankful for the time I had with her, she was able to see my book get published and told me she was proud of me. Am I the only adult who in later years heard those words and was shocked to find how much that still meant? There is a lot more I could write about my family drama, but that is a different topic.
Back to the process. So, after the resistance is worn down by circumstances God aligns, I seek Him wholeheartedly and start to identify the barriers (mindsets) that are keeping me from moving forward, then go to war. Because this I do know about myself – I am persistent and I do not give up. Once I am aware of the strongholds, it becomes easier to talk about and ask for prayer, identify the roots, and receive instruction and direction. There are always others who relate, who have battled those dragons, crossed those mountains and forged new paths. Holy Spirit leads me to the Word to have my faith reignited – Abraham, Moses, Joshua, Joseph, Jesus, Peter, Paul, and others! In the place of openness and willingness, I receive divine direction.
Direction brings movement. Yet if we are forging new ground, we don’t have a clear path. As Christians, we know our ultimate destiny is Heaven, but we are part of the Kingdom now and have work to do to see it established on the earth as it is in Heaven. One piece of my direction has been to start blogging. The other day I read, “Have the courage to write badly.” The context was the importance of just writing, letting it flow and take shape without judging it, then figuring it out later. This is probably the most challenging for a perfectionist like me. I want it all perfect ahead of time and it isn’t. Birth is messy; creation is messy; the aftermath of war and the process of rebuilding is messy. The night after I read that, I had a dream where I was writing, I was aware of what I was writing, and I am now writing it. God sometimes speaks to me in dreams.
I think a big part of this challenge is that I’m also in the process of writing a second book – in fact, this blog may end up as part of it. It is my story, my journey, my path, and it is messy. I am determined my testimony will glorify God. Yet in order to do that, you have to hear what He’s done in my life and where He’s given me victory, where He found me and the long process of getting me to where I am now. Parts of the journey aren’t pretty. So this has been an undercurrent; as I cross over into new land there seems to be an underground aquifer moving parallel in my journey. I learned a long time ago that wherever you go, there you are. Yet as I journey forward, the waters of my soul are churning, the whirlwind is blowing and stirring the waters, and I am being pressed through narrow places that force me to reevaluate and leave behind pieces of my old identity that do not fit or have a place where I am being taken. The water will be pure when I reach my destination.
The other day I was sharing with a woman I was mentoring about my recent fear of asking people (friends, not strangers) who have read my book to write a few sentences about their thoughts, if there was an impact on their life, etc., and the resistance and fear I had to doing that. We discussed why and she piped out, “You didn’t want to impose.” Oh yes, and why would a simple request from a friend be construed in my mind as a huge imposition? I don’t want to ask for help for fear of rejection – yet this makes no “sense” as these are my friends who want me to succeed! In fact, we are here to help each other succeed. Not only that, our helping them succeed is essential for our success in the Kingdom. One of the chapters in “Moses – Shocked in the Desert” is, You Can’t Enter the Promised Land Unless You Help Your Brother Enter In. So, I know this is true. What is the voice behind this fear? “I’m not important enough” “I’m not valuable enough.” “I don’t really matter to people.” These are lies. The truth is that I am important, I am valuable, I have much to give to others.
So here I am…the journey continues….I am enough.
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus unto good works, which God hath before ordained that we should walk in them. ” (Ephesians 2:10, KJV)