Angst Becomes Peace
“A man’s mind plans his way [as he journeys through life], But the LORD directs his steps and establishes them.” (Prov. 16:9, AMP)
The last few years, the Lord has been showing me that my obsessive planning is a need to control, that it is in fact an idol. So I have been letting go of that and learning to trust Him in even the small things in my life.
This new path of life (i.e. “career” part of life), being an author (I have always written, but authoring is new) is unfolding and I am finding that His ways are not mine in many aspects. Obviously, I have known from His dealings in my life that His ways are not mine. Now, though, I am seeing other parts of “His ways” not being mine. I like seeing things planned out, not just the planning part itself. I like the comfort it brings, the security a framework affords (even though I know it isn’t “real” security because God always changes things). However, when my day/week/month/year is fully planned out, that framework puts God in a box because I have “set” times for Him, versus a continual conversation as I walk with my best friend.
The angst I feel now, a deeper awareness of unsettledness within, is that He is showing me on this new path that He only opens one door at a time, and sometimes that door He shows open is still distant. Sometimes He gives me a vision of things to come, but that is to remind me that He is still with me, He is in control and has a good plan for my life. It is not to take the vision and go try and make it happen on my own. Again, my role is in trusting Him in the process of its unfolding day by day. I say “day by day” loosely, because it can be weeks at a time before I see light on the next step, another door, a person upon my path that is part of the unfolding. My angst is caused by trying to figure out what tomorrow will look like, and the not knowing (or not being able to “control” it) causes a feeling of being unsettled to manifest. I am aware that feelings are caused by thoughts. So, with that being said…
Could I not just as easily view this state of being as the place where God is, an opportunity to be still and know that He is God, to be still and listen for his voice? Perhaps I need to rename this as a place of “becoming.” For truly I have seen that God is amazing, beyond finding out, yet He chooses to dwell with us and share His thoughts with us, and His dream of the future for our lives. This place of becoming is a good place, a place of deepening relationship with my One True Love, the One who gently takes my brokenness, and heals me with His loving gaze, who sees deep into those places where fear has deep roots, and waters the ground with His word and fills it with the warmth of His love so that the uprooting isn’t painful and the new plant can take root easily. He is the One with whom I will walk into my future and it is bright because He is the Light that overcomes all darkness. Angst becomes Peace in the awareness of His presence.
”For now we see through a glass, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know even as also I am known.” (1 Cor. 13:12, KJV)